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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2009|03:47 pm]
In terms of conflict, much as (this complaining LJ) seems to be about (as a cliche) that part of the human experience, being unhappy w/ a person's behavior, does generally not mean damning them completely .. That includes roommates, friends, coworkers, partners + family, even tho' in the moment a conflict seems unresolvable ..

It's hard for me because I have experienced conflict as attached to being written off unecessarily, to scapegoating, unjustified blame .. simply moving on without having a chance to resolve a conflict, even tho' that issue has resolved itself (having lived in the same area, pretty much for the first time in my life, for over ten years.. anyway, when I see or experience such things, it's hard to answer w/o making the conflict greater, even if it isn't (supposed to be) "me vs. you" ..

It's easy to take the "me vs you" approach and to try to point back @ the person, where all of the issues get dregged up , rather than any kind of solution (I took off the word "healing") New - agey stuff (which I don't like, btw) .. Even in roommate/acquaintance types of situations (especially actually), we can understand that the person may be having some problems or issues that we don't know about, and don't have to, and deal w/ the situation equitably .. it's harder (actually) when the situation is personal, when "not wanting to talk about" something, rather than simply not being an aim in the sitution, becomes a personal slight

Anyway, I'm dealing w/the "not blame each other" thing, as far as roommates, aquaintances and relationships are concerned .. Maybe (sometime) w/ family, this'll be an easier thing!!!
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Updates (or lack thereof) [Nov. 17th, 2009|11:47 pm]
Have been because of being generally busy, in-between work + life, w/o so many "settled" places to write from .. It's easier to deal w/ "writer's block" questions than to define situations in flux sometimes

I'm working as much as possible now .. before, my grandmother was a prority, and my family, of course, by proxy @ least, but now I have to figure out how to redefine our relationship .. I need to support myself (and not just monetarily), and am considering bringing a friend along when visiting them (to witness events, and to keep them in line, as well as for (the most obvious of course) emotionsl support.

Tamara would be the most obvious person, most of the time, because they've met and because she understands the situation as it stands .. A male (no matter whom) would bring up "Is he her boyfriend, husband, or a potential soul mate" kind of a hysteria, and another female .. A lot of introductions would have to be met ..

Work will be slow during the holidays (working in a million places right now, and am enjoying it (but, this can definitely be tiring).. Am considering promotional modeling (or whatever other options might be open, as temporary jobs during the holidays).

On Saturday, went to a baby shower in a bar, where the beautiful mommy-of-the future came over to me, hugged me, and said, "L, this could happen to you!!"

There was also a game of "Pin the Sperm in the Ovary," and a "cut the tape to guess the size of the belly" game (with prizes!!) And munchies, Yumm, yumm

Hmm, it's late @ night, and although other things are going on, I've got to go to bed soon.

Work @ 8; getting up @ 5:30 a.m.

At another time will update about other matters.
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Writer's Block: Instant attraction [Nov. 9th, 2009|11:52 pm]
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Do you think romantic chemistry is instant or evolving? Have you ever given someone a second (or third) chance and lived to regret it? Have you ever fallen in love with someone you didn't particularly like or desire at first?


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I have to admit, the former ..

The people that I have been the most attracted to (consistently) have been instant, and they usually are fascinating people, as well as being these dark-haired, dark eyed intense goddesses and gods.

I have dated + spent time w/people where there wasn't an initial overwhelming attraction, and, um, I do regret having done things that I didn't want to do, or nonconsensually, but that doesn't mean that it isn't fair to give someone @ least a chance (depending upon the circumstances) .. a chance as a human being, to get to know them, but if you don't want to touch them (let alone anything else), then don't.

In terms of having fallen in love, by my own standards, I've been in love w/ two people, one in my teens, and one in my twenties (I have eratic contact w/ both of them; they both live pretty far away, and (w/ the latter, we had a relationship enough to get me over them .. but I've only been in love twice, and, therefore they are a special person to me).

the two other people that "I could fall in love w/" happened within the last couple of years, but nothing happened w/ either of them .. I'm sure that they're still around.

Anyway, with all of them, I did feel an initial attraction ~ not to say that I haven't dated people otherwise .. My attraction for Seth is complicated, but I can't say that he was ever my perfect "type," and I can remember finding Paul attractive, back when he had long hair; and he does have dark hair and eyes.

Attractive, but "the initial attraction" .. That can be overwhelming, and at 30 (something), and w/everything else, I am often glad to be able to feel anything, @ all ...
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2009|08:00 pm]
I finally broke up w/someone a few days ago, but I have mixed feelings about it .. I'd specified the problems that I was having with the situation; they weren't changing; some of the issues (inc. an ever-interfering person, obsessed w/ him) weren't entirely his fault, but I am under stress, my life was inconvenienced, and so I decided to "cut this person loose" .. but I did say some things that weren't nice, and I know that this is not a badly-intending person (this feels awful) .. And now (from wat I can tell (didn't answer phone, or respond to messages) apparently doesn't want to speak to me, and on the whole maybe I made the best decision, but did I have to .. this way ..

They said that I "had baggage," and that "it isn't just you grieving over your grandmother either,"

Well, yes I do have baggage, and who doesn't . But still, I've been in angry situations where I was treated unfairly, and don't want to be a person who lashes (their baggage unfairly), that way
..
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Writer's Block: Forgive and forget? [Oct. 26th, 2009|06:09 am]
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Do you tend to forgive and forget or hold grudges? What is the longest you've ever stayed angry with someone? Is there anything the other person could say or do to win back your friendship and trust?


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If the person did what they did @ a time when they were a fully functioning adult (basically), they'd have to rectify whatever their actions were, before I'd feel safe dealing w/them, and it'd have to happen fairly ..

I'm not perfect, but, you know, two wrongs don't = a right ..

I could be friends w/a person without fully trusting them .. I don't know if somebody could win back my trust, considering how I don't give much of it out .. that's a bad quality, but my experience is that if a fragile bond of trust or love is broken, that a person who did that not only usually has a sense of it, but would do that again, underestimating the knowledge of the other or the fragility of their bond, or not caring, which is ultimately worse ..

God, why does anyone deal w/me; I'm pretty much impossible ..
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Writer's Block: Take the pain away [Oct. 24th, 2009|12:44 pm]
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If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?

Submitted By [info]secret_berry49


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I have to go to work now (too late!!) but to anybody who I can connect my hurt to, I guess that a variety of my question would be on the subject of "Why?" and if I felt that I deserved anything that happened, then I would blame myself and therefore not put the other person into the category of "people who've hurt me."

In terms of confrontation, I find it passive aggressive to be like, "Waah, you hurt me," but I could be eloquent (if I wanted to be) on the subject of "this happened when," but, if a person were malicious or @ least self denying, or if I were more worried about their own "fragile state," or some combination therof, then I probably wouldn't.

It's hard, but I do sometimes (to even out karma) confront people, but I like to let people take their own karmic route, and that sometimes that means that people take longer to confront themselves - I might be more confrontational (it just takes time) in the future!!
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Writer's Block: Take the pain away [Oct. 24th, 2009|12:44 pm]
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If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?

Submitted By [info]secret_berry49


View 1528 Answers

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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2009|11:27 pm]
Am working from 9 am~10 pm on most days this week, was in a fashion show on Saturday + a photo shoot on Sunday, still working on the comic, Paul's back in town, haven't broken up w/ the "boy toy" yet .

 Still need to find some time for family, am eeking in some time w/Tamara, and am surprisingly tired ..

 Actually, it's better than this summer was, but there's still this cloud of sadness that there is never this full time to acknowledge .. it's like the elephant in the room ..

 I heard conformations from people-who-know-people who knew (or know) my ex gf in L.A, and, yes, according to the reports that I've been getting, she is a junkie, and there's talk of people in L.A, putting us on the phone together, and I don't know if that is what I am ready for (because I don't know what I have to give her).. Maybe an email'd be better ..?

 Am still looking to get out, in whatever free time that there is...

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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2009|01:44 am]
..never claimed to be easy to deal w/.
As a matter of fact, just about awful.

It makes sense that a full schedule (full of busy stuff, mostly work, but whether it's work or not) keeps some stability built upon.

Not everybody is like this, but it's easier when not much other than structure can be relied upon..

in the meantime, I heard from E, that the last time that (somebody who he knew) had seen K, that she had been "strung out," and he had heard that some people died, but that he was not (for sure) that that had included her.

She hadn't had a "drug problem" when we'd been in each others lives (over a decade ago); she would try to ply me w/stronger and stronger drinks; would even order that (I was her sub, so it was okay to do so), would never smoke a thing, never had marks, and if she'd used any other drugs, it was rarely and recreational .. although she did tell me, "there might be some things about me that you don't know."

She was beautiful, unpredictable and crazy; she'd do something that came into her mind and surprise anyone and everyone. She recited some brilliant poetry; she said that she planned to be a dominatrix until she was in her forties or older, and then retire and just read her poetry in New Orleans. ..


The first time that we spoke, after rubbing against each other @ Sin-a-Matic, we ran outside to avoid the smoke, she stared at me and looked into my eyes, and said, "There is a deep sadness about you."
On the beach, when she made me drink, wine-after-wine, she and I saw the clouds come, the rain came, and we sang together, "Rain, rain, go away," as a spell, and then it went away. I ran around on the beach after that, feeling the water, the wind, and the sand as a part of me, and giving up my human nature.

She teased a lot of boys, and she loved a lot of girls, but when she was with me, she was with me-just-me, and I know that our kisses were real.
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Californication (I lived there from 1990-1999) ... [Oct. 13th, 2009|02:53 am]



I lived in Northern California from 1990-1995, and Southern until 1999

I heard this song while in a cafe this morning waiting for a business meeting .. the song came out in '99, the year that I left L.A, not necessarily knowing that it would be for good (or, at least, for now ;)

Some things just take you back ..

this evening, a Crowlian friend and I (who had lived in L.A. at the same time, but had not known each other), talked about L.A. (we both want and don't want to talk about the Los Angeles area) .. it occurred to me to ask him (after a person that had been in my life, back then.)

Oh, of course he knew her, he said, then (and then he made a phone call to a friend in L.A, who said that they'd later "tell the details about her)....

And then, Eric (the N.Y. friend from L.A.) said, "I don't know about this, Louisa, I could be wrong, but I think that she might have been one of the people who didn't make it .." It was darker than I realized, I had only known the fringes of this world, where Eric and my ex gf (Kattina) had been, and I am intact, taking for granted, taking adventure where it is very real that some people do not .. whoever she was, I want to know where my ex gf is, and (melodramatic I know) whether or not she survived ..
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(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2009|03:55 pm]
When I called my family, after learning about my grandmother, my father started yelling at me about a letter which had come to him at their home in N.J. (he had convinced me that it'd be cheaper to file taxes in N.J.) ..

He never quite respected or acknowledged others' boundaries; therefore I get yelled at (when reminding him that it is illegal to open others' mail) ..
Right after both of our birthdays, and yes, he has lost his mother, but we all have. I have lost my grandmother, it is right after my (and his) birthday, and I am getting screamed at that I owe money to the IRS.

So, I paid what I have been charged so far, and might try to find a way to claim more deductions later, but need to find somebody else to discuss my taxes with ~ and, I have less reason than ever to do anything else when there is an opportunity to work. proactive in a way.

Anyway, have arranged to work every day, at least for the next couple of weeks, and to try to fit in more .

Personally, somebody I dated (openly) this summer is back in town .. I haven't talked about this person that much, because a) I didn't want to miss them, because even though there was some fun there, I didn't really know whether there was any particular relationship potential, and b) there seemed to be more "other people" confusion .. relationship boundaries, jealousies, divided attention and this-person-and-that, for what was supposed to be a casual situation, and while that part of the situation might not have been intentional on anybody's part there was a part of me that was glad that this person was on the west coast, because I didn't have to deal w/ this part of the confusion, that way.

We saw each other on Friday nite, but, the really verbally bitchy parts of me came out and while that is everybody's responsibility (to some degree or another) .. It isn't the best thing to come out for anybody. I'd like to think that what I like about that relationship .. could come out .. in a better relationship ..

anyway, I should probably take care of health ~ w/the tendency to very rarely sleep that's an issue, too..
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(no subject) [Oct. 6th, 2009|06:14 pm]
It's always a process to rethink which actions aren't worth (possibly) making some people uncomfortable, and which are necessary

It goes both ways, questioning which things are worth risking in one's own case (vs walking away from)
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(no subject) [Oct. 5th, 2009|03:25 pm]
 Hypothetical nightmare art modeling session on Saturday (9-5 @ Minerva's), after modeling (short poses) all morning, called in a young gay punk friend to model w/me in the afternoon (contact poses), and somebody that I dated 5-6 years ago, shows up there - a good artist, at least, but I tried, even admitted that I was unconfortable, and this person was like, "I'm sorry," but they aren't particularly great (deliberately dense?) at getting a point that I'm saying, and didn't leave ..

 It ended badly, and I feel (I confess) awkward at having gained weight and (when this person likes the thinner and younger types) .. also, they like to act like "everything is okay" .. NO, IT ISN'T ..

 I'd much rather be around someone who was blatantly difficult
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(no subject) [Oct. 4th, 2009|10:47 am]
Yom Kippur (last week) .. working on Sunday in a bar and makeshift theatre, and in the business of everything, managed to consume only chocolate, coffee, eggs + wine on that day, leading up to a 24 - hour fast .. repentence of a sort .. visited the family, because there was time then .. brougt "the parents" to a nature preserve to walk around, in their town, so much of their lives, and ours together, had been involved w/ caring for grandma (and how we loved her!!) but we felt so selfish when we weren't.
Bringing them to a nature preserve was largely to acknowledge to them that, yes, there was a rest of the world out there ..

To "break my fast," I came back into the city, and had Paulie (who missed my birthday, being out-of-town himself) get us dinner @ Madras, a South Indian vegetarian place on 2nd Avenue (which, unbeknownst to us, would be closing soon ..)

The walk in nature had removed the headache, and Madras (which is opening up another branch, in Queens) was good

It was hard to meditate upon sin, but

am meeting up w/ my family soon.
..
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(no subject) [Oct. 4th, 2009|09:40 am]
Am meeting family today, @ a memorial at a steakhouse in N.J.

my sensitive family!

Anyhow (speaking of possible insensitivy), I collected journal entries (largely from here) "grandma- memories" and posted them (as a "note" on facebook (in lieu, I supposes, of writing another entry!?!)

I don't know, "tmi," but haven't gotten any bad feedback (although, as Seth says, "people tend to just ignore 'bad art,'" although he hasn't spoken that way of my journal entries, at all ...
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Writer's Block: Agree to disagree [Oct. 1st, 2009|01:53 pm]
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Have you ever stopped being friends with someone over differences in political views? Are there any issues that are so important to you that you cannot be friends with someone who holds a contrary opinion?


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There've been times in the past (as in, during some of my twenties) where I'd walk away from a conversation, and sometimes never have anything to do with a person again, over different beliefs, and believing that women should have different rights and responsibilities, or certain attitudes regarding class and ethnicity, would have something to do with it .. There was one proposition (187) in the state of California which required healthcare and educational professionals to turn in anybody suspected not to have legal immigration staus in to legal authorites, and I rallied and argued against it .. California voters voted it in, and it was ruled unconsitutional and turned over.

Anyway, I was somewhat turned off by a person that I had been dating (whose parents had been immigrants!) who was in favor of it ('94 or '95, btw)

I also made fun of a man who referred to himself as a feminist, because "A man really can't be a feminist; a man claiming to be a feminist is like a white man claiming to be Afrocentric" (just in terms of their worldviews).. I felt as though it was okay, but if I basically disrespected (or made fun of) a person's worldviews, than they might not want to be mine ~ when you're young, it's easy to be self-righteous, I suppose -

there are people who I've taken as "de facto" believing that it isn't really valid when a woman (or a person) says "no," (due to experience) and I've "de facto" decided that I can't be their friend (or have anything to do with them) because of that

I have had @ least non-hostile exchanges with people who happen to be pro-life in their politics, who are not (per se) environmentalists, as long as they aren't actively trying to destroy environments, or perpetuating violence against people who exercise choice .. I don't necessarily ask friends of mine who happen to be religious, and kind of "don't go there."

In terms of racism, I'd love to have a conversation with anyone who can make any of that make sense (because it doesn't), but, friends, I don't really think so. Even having a Jewish friend who talked about "smart Ashkenazi Jewish genes," and then talked about a believing in a bell curve, put a permanent distance between us, because (aside from all kinds of cultural biases and factors), a) we're all of the same race, and b) Before World War 2, there were "scientific documents" stating that Jewish and Asian peoples were of inferior intelligience, as well; any scientist should know that these particular biases tend to be disproven, and that they might well, by listening to such theories, be perpetuating what they want to
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2009|08:23 pm]
[mood | okay]

Well, just to update

I saw (soon after putting my last "lj" post up, a week ago) a fb (facebook) status update by my sister, simply ":(" . and I understood

I received a (rare) phone call, by my aunt (through marriage) a few minutes later, simply, sadly stating, "I guess that you have heard the news," and I hadn't.

My grandmother had passed away

but, she hadn't been responding (in any way but breathing), and my father had warned me that this was going to happen, and years of sadness, years of wisdom and love ..

I'm okay, but the library is closing, now ..
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(no subject) [Sep. 24th, 2009|01:21 pm]
Am currently (as we speak) printing up the manuscripts for a couple of friends' stories and plays (am always guilty about not always putting a fair amount of time/attention to others' labors of love ..

If it were my manuscript, of course, I know that I would, of course, take seriously the whether-or-not my friends read it!!!)

By the way, you writers out there, I am interested ~ really ~!!

The work-week has returned, in its classic entirety. This means that I (technically) have less time to write, would likely be motivated to write more, and don't have fair time for anything, want to pay attention to everything ..

My birthday was fun tho' .. I deliberately kind of planned for it to be intimate (@ a friends studio, who didn't want for us to have an unlimited # of guests. Add to the fact that three of us had birthdays on the same day, so we had to take that (as well as mutual friends) into consideration, when planning out the guest list together. But (for me @ least) it was nice ~ good food, the people (in town at least) that I wanted to see (the most) were there .. I also worked for 7 hours, on that very day, a work-week year ..

Jenny gave me a lovely (home-made) card, Seth a cape (which he personally selected to be for a person of my height, i.e, not dragging on the ground (not a tacky kids' cape, but one that was nice ~ You'd have to be a 5' 2" person (who doesn't like high heels) searching for a truly nice cape, to truly understand ;) and Lisa and Bobby (who are very cute ~ I have HAD to've posted some "cute couple" photographs of them on Facebook) picked out a very nice charm bracelet .. It was nice to see everybody, but next year (if I have a birthday party then) intend to have it in a public space, just so that everyone who'd care to, is invited ..

..

I visited my family, a day or two before my birthday, and couldn't get my grandma (who was in the hospital again) to respond .. No matter what state she's been in, even sleep, she's always been able to respond (to say something, to hug me or to kiss me or to squeeze my hand).

Last time (last week) that I'd seen her, when I told her that I loved her (I always do), she was still able to say, "I love you too," and that was her one full sentence of the day.

I called again (the next day) which was my father's birthday as well, and he told me that there'd been a living will~heirs conference call, and that she'd had another stroke (she's had a few already), that she'll probably never recover from it, and he and (my cousin who was a lawyer) were arranging for "hospice" for her.
He told me yesterday (or was it the day before) that my grandmother is back at the nursing home, and "she probably won't last" out the week

Do I feel a mourning. My father has been fighting it,and taking most of his waking hours to keep her going. And I (and I imagine we all) have had our cries.
She warned me, when she was still in her eighties, and was keeping me to her"I'm trying to write down the names that I know, and I'm trying to recognize the names and the faces that I see in photographs, and it's scary."

"And now you know that your old grandmother's a fake," she first said to me when she admitted her fears.

She would always go back and rememner her siblings, her Yiddish, would remeber some things, but not others .. she was still creative, and others would beleive that she remembered them when she pretended to.

She did, however, know who was there for her, and I believe that she kept as much wit as she could .

I will have to write more, to "Facebook" (does one have a life if it is not news?!?)

And (what she definitely wanted) to move on. I am able to write this much right now, because of a class being cancelled in the morning, but need to make it to the next one, soon

L_ash
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Writer's Block: The truth is out there ... [Sep. 12th, 2009|06:13 pm]
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If someone discusses UFOs at a party, do you assume they're a visionary or bonkers? Do you consider yourself a believer or a skeptic?


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I might think that they may be just pretending, to be silly or something, or to create an "ironic" debate.

That's annoying, although it might be interesting/fun to discuss conceptual ideas about aliens (the metaphysics, anatomy, psychology of such) .. UFOs themselves are distinguised by being "unidentified," which isn't as interesting as actual unfamlar technology or lifeforms.

That being said, anybody who only wants to talk about one topic is boring, but there are more mundane (or standard, or run-of-the-mill) topics than ufos.

As for me .. sure, I believe that there are objects floating around that are unidentified, that life outside of our Earth is certainly a possibility, and that, yes, the idea of alien technology is scary (potentially cool), but .. not necesarily.

Sort of like "agnostic," neither necessarily believing nor disbelieving, is "skeptic."
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2009|02:03 pm]
Sometimes a memorial can be life-affirming..

She was a rebel who left her (apparently well-off) family, lived in various countries, was a performance artist, actor, sex worker, artist, political activist, sewed and made her own clothing and corsets, lived as herself and spoke her own truths (both as they'd happen to be, at the time). She was unapologetic about her own evolution, even as others tried to characterize her. She was an artist, and activist, and a partner like most of us will never know, with her husband.

nobody else will ever be like her, and we all need to look to a true spirit like that to characterize our own minds

more, later ....
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